voluntaryist_dog_tshirt

DEAR HELOISE,

I recently got a Voluntaryist at the Pet Store and brought him home to a large fenced yard. But he has been such a bother since we got him home. Am I doing something wrong? He keeps yelling about aggression and defense, and acting up. What is aggression? What is defense? I think maybe if I knew something about my pet Voluntaryist, what his needs are, how his mind works, it would help with obedience training. Any hints?

Sincerely,

Concerned Pet Owner

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Dear Concerned Pet Owner,

Owning a Voluntaryist can be a challenge for any of us. My advice is for you to become very familiar with what makes him tick, paying close attention to the things that push his buttons and set him off. You don’t want to be throwing a barbecue or garden party when he decides to start defending himself. First you need to know what causes this common but manageable behavior in your Voluntaryist. Familiarize yourself with what he considers to be aggression. Here is how he thinks: To your pet Voluntaryist, aggression is the violation of consent. He thinks of consent as that little line that separates sex from rape, gift from theft, volunteering from being enslaved. Did you ask him if he wanted to be fenced in and kept as a pet?

To your little Voluntaryist’s mind, consent can be violated in only one of three ways, force, fraud or threats. This doesn’t mean that whenever there is force, like at a UFC fight, he always sees it as aggression…or that whenever there is deception, like at a surprise party, he always sees it as aggression. It just means that when he DOES see something as aggression, it will fall into one of those three categories, violence, deception or threats.

So if you bring home a Marxist for your Voluntaryist to play with, and the Marxist starts calling the Ice Cream Truck Man an oppressor for offering flavors the Marxist doesn’t want, your little Voluntaryist is likely to start making a lot of noise, perhaps even growling at the Marxist, or shouting “Liar! Liar!.” This is because to the mind of your little Voluntaryist, an offer and a dictate are two very different things.

Because defense is justified against dictators, he won’t like the Marxist suggesting defense against people who are just offering things the Marxist doesn’t personally value. In the mind of your little Voluntaryist the correct thing to do when you don’t like an offer is to just say “no thank you” rather than using defensive force. Remember, for defense to be justified in the mind of your Voluntaryist, consent must be violated and in his mind there are only 3 ways to violate the consent of another person.

Here are some examples of the three ways:

1. Force e.g. holding down a rape victim and punching her until she submits. Beating someone unconscious, taking his wallet. A cop throwing a pothead to the ground and cuffing him.

2. Fraud e.g. slipping a date rape drug into her drink to knock her unconscious. Embezzling thousands of dollars from an employer by altering the sales receipts. An undercover cop making friends with a special needs high school senior and asking the senior to find him marijuana so he can have an excuse to arrest the high school senior.

3. Threat e.g. “If you don’t have sex with me some awful horrific thing is going to happen to you or people you love.” “Give me your wallet or you’ll get a beating.” IRS enforcers saying to us “Pay your taxes or we will abduct you. If you resist being abducted we will kill you for resisting.”

I hope this helps you better understand what sets off your Voluntaryist. I wish you and your little Voluntaryist many happy walks in the Park together, and many successful parties and barbecues without any unpleasant incidents of Voluntaryist defense.

Sincerely,

Heloise

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This satire was written by Cash Snowden. You can find him and many more witty comments from him on Facebook.